Ghost World

And you thought I was dead

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 05:11:12 GMT

Soundtrack to one's life meme.

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.

Ready? GO!

Opening Credits:
The Seatbelts - Ask DNA (Oh wow, my life starts out just like the Cowboy Bebop movie. That's promising.)

Waking Up:
Will Smith - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Now if only more days *did* start like that.)

Falling In Love:
Lords of Acid - The Most Wonderful Girl (This doesn't sound like any girlfriend I've ever had. Though I'd really like to try.)

Fight Song:
Madonna - Ray of Light (Yes, this is in my library. I also think it actually makes a fun fight song. Go figure.)

Breaking Up:
Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch (This is definitely a 'break up' as in 'get dumped' kind of song.)

Make-up:
ACDC - Big Balls (Hahahahaha)

Life’s Okay:
The Pillows - Instant Music (Yeah, more anime stuff. Did you expect any less? However, in all things, the Pillows are awesome and upbeat with ska-like energy. I can't think of a better band for 'Life's Okay'.)

Mental Breakdown:
Monty Python - Knights of the Round Table (... what?)

Driving:
Oasis - Wonderwall (OMG. High school flashbacks.)

Flashback:
Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabies (As far as I remember, I've never spent a lot of time drunk. Or a pirate.)

Happy Dance:
Shonen Knife - Daydream Believer (How much more happy can you get than Japanese girls singing a Monkees song?)

Regretting:
New Order - Confusion (PPR Remix) (If you didn't know, this is that one song from the crap vampire movie Blade where they're all dancing in the club. The one with the blood sprinklers. It doesn't really fit the category.)

Final Battle:
Prologue - Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!)

Death Scene:
Electric Light Orchestra - Twilight (I've died and gone to the 80's.)

Make-Out Scene:
The Future Sound of London - Pulse State (Who doesn't wanna make out to pounding techno bass? That's totally hot.)

Ending Credits:
The Black Mages - Battle with the Four Fiends (Of course the ending credits would be geeky. But video game boss music played on electric guitar and pipe organ? That's a new level.)

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:43:20 GMT

Happy birthday to me! Thanks, Sarah!

Going back to Houston for the weekened. Got to set up stuff for my mother's trip, and I get to borrow her car for about three months. 'Cause it runs!

Interesting news ahoy

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 00:30:47 GMT

So, it seems my mother got offered a temporary position in London, and I told her she was absolutely crazy if she didn't take it. 10 weeks in London (maybe 11). Admittedly it's a job, not a vacation, but there's always time for doing cool stuff. And I'll have to work up a list of places she must visit, and preferably take pictures for me.

She deserves something nice.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 03:58:20 GMT

So, my brother called me today to tell me I'm going to be an uncle. And here I was sort of hoping that this family line would just quietly die out and not leave any traces of itself.

Also, no news on my internship at the San Antonio Museum of Art. They have my paperwork and I spoke to a secretary in person, but the new director of the antiquities collection either isn't in town or hasn't set herself up enough to get back to me. Not that I mind still having my Wednesdays free.

Still in a funk, which is completely different from being funky. I feel best when I'm completely absorbed in something, but I can't find anything that sticks or even sounds appealing right now, which I think is sort of in the definition of 'being in a funk', a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity.

This is all, of course, pointless angst.

Music Meme

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 07:47:40 GMT

"Leave a comment and I'll give you a letter. Then you must think of 10 song titles that start with that letter (as well as the artist), without using Google or other cheats."

bluerain gave me a Y!

"You're Not Here," from Silent Hill 3, Akira Yamaoka, sung by Mary Elizabeth McGlynn
"Yellow Submarine," The Beatles
"You Can't Always Get What You Want," The Rolling Stones
"You Want It Back," The Propellerheads
"Y'know," Sekiria
"You Could Be Mine," Guns N' Roses
"You Gotta Be," Des'ree
"Yesterday," Paul McCartney
"Your House," Jimmy Eat World
"You're Pitiful," 'Weird' Al Yankovic

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 21:03:03 GMT

I'm getting good at refinishing scavenged furniture for my own personal use. Some of my stuff won't look nearly as shitty as it actually is.

Also, an ironic moment: A condom ad during Star Trek reruns.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 05:45:59 GMT

On a whim, accepted my brother's offer of going to a soccer game. It turned out actually to be worth it. Barcelona (Spain) versus Club America (Mexico) turned out to be a hell of a game, 4 to 1 in favor of Club America with 10 minutes left, then Barcelona suddenly decided to stop fucking around and put in all their best players, scored three goals in 10 minutes and ended the game in a tie. Holy shit. It's really the first real soccer game I've ever seen in person. I didn't know people could do that kind of stuff on the field. It was amazing. All of the in-game announcements and the majority of the advertisements were in Spanish, and it's lucky I remember enough of high school Spanish to know when the guy behind me was swearing, and at who and about what. And that I could swear at him back. There's something satisfying about seeing a guy realize that the whitest white guy can speak Spanish enough to say chingate tu puta madre when he spills his beer on their shoulder, then smiling and laughing because he knows that's just how it works.

Had a few beers before the game, and one during. Still feeling it, but it's alright. Got to hang out with my brother's friend Toby, who is cool and technically my friend too. And Matt's wife, Elva, who is far too nice a person to really have anything to do with my brother. I think I caught a glimpse of his true self while we had dinner and waited for her to join us. She apparently got lost and then couldn't find a parking space, and... just hearing one end of the cell-phone conversation was unpleasant to say the least. He showed his true colors while attempting to 'deal with her'. She deserves better.

In the recent past, Matt has tried to be nicer to me. I've often blown him off because I know (or assumed to know) what he's really like. He can put up a good front, but when it comes down to it, he's still the same guy who was mean to me as a kid and could never stand anyone having an opinion other than his. It's discomforting to know that people like that can get married, and that one or both parties will put up with it.

I am drunk and stink of sweaty Mexican soccer fans. It's not a racial slur. It's simply the truth. Soccer fans stink. But the game was worth it.

Edit: Exactly a month since my last entry, apparently. So often, I just feel I have so little to say that anyone else would be interesting in hearing. Much less recording for my own personal edification.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 23:50:08 GMT

I escaped from the Dungeon of Blueheaven!

I killed Samahiel the leprechaun and Littlepasht the leprechaun.

I looted the Dagger of Um Jammer Lammy, the Wand of Mordheim, the Axe of Kharix, the Axe of Invader Zim, the Amulet of Zombies, the Armour of Survival Horror, the Sword of Writing, the Armour of Rpgs and 71 gold pieces.

Score: 96

Explore the Dungeon of Blueheaven and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...

But my favorite line has to be: You are walking through a rough-hewn tunnel. You hear the sound of mallrats in the distance.

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 19:42:07 GMT

Woo! I have an apartment for the fall!

Same nice complex I was in before, and on the first floor, thank God, and 3/4s of the rent I was paying for the old one. 3/4s of the space too, but I didn't use most of what I had before anyway. And no fireplace, but seriously, it's the middle of Texas.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 19:21:14 GMT

Sometimes, you just find the right news story that seems to make everything feel alright again, just for a little while. Sappy, but heartwarming.

Idaho Girl Becomes Superhero for a Day thanks to Make-A-Wish Foundation

Now den, dat can't be true. Can it, chere?

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 02:56:03 GMT

You scored as Gambit. Gambit is another loner character. He loves Rogue. He has a very cool deboner personality. He's done things in his past that he's not proud of but he atones for his actions by fighting for peace with the X-Men. His weapon of choice is the playing card. Powers: Charges objects with kinetic energy by touching them, then they explode like grenades.

</td>

Gambit

85%

Wolverine

80%

Emma Frost

75%

Cyclops

75%

Beast

70%

Nightcrawler

65%

Rogue

60%

Iceman

55%

Storm

55%

Jean Grey

55%

Colossus

45%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Honestly... I was expecting Cyclops. I don't know why.

Wed, 31 May 2006 22:25:48 GMT

Moving out isn't quite going to plan. I should have started earlier. And not tried to do everything by myself. I think my arms and legs are on fire. Even as meticulously as I tried to pack boxes so they wouldn't be too heavy, like putting all the books in one box like I've done before, it still doesn't count for much when you have take the stairs up and down to the third floor about ten times in a row. 10 times down and 10 back up, if not more. Third floor. Christ.

I was going to leave today, "By three o'clock" I told myself. By about 1:30 I knew I wasn't going to make that artificial deadline, in addition to it threatening to rain. But I just told the apartment complex manager what was going on, and she said it was okay if I just stayed until tomorrow.

So I am. I'm so goddamn getting a first floor apartment in August.

Fri, 26 May 2006 09:19:57 GMT

Saw the new X-Men movie tonight, a day earlier than the rest of the poor slobs of the world. Don't I feel special? Actually yes, I do.

To wit, a mini-review not behind an LJ-cut because I'm a jerk:

The movie picks up a little time after the end of the second movie. Jean is dead, Kelsey Grammer plays The Beast, and the actor playing Cyclops is stilted and wooden. Everything's A-OK so far. But Halle Berry can't deliver a line to save her life. I think that should be in her next contract somewhere. Act or die.

And apparently due to squealy fans, Kitty Pryde gets screentime. A lot of it, actually.

Some new faces appear, and a lot of old ones don't. But some of the new ones are good. And thus concluding my review, I leave you with these simple words to live by:

"I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

Extremely not work-safe. But funny. And everyone's probably already seen it. I'm always the last to hear about these things.

Thu, 25 May 2006 20:29:52 GMT

A most amusing diversion that did nearly cause me to drop my monocle into my brandy from sheer mirth.

List 10 fictional characters you'd like to have sex with and tag five people to do the same.

1. Jill Valentine from Resident Evil. Especially if she still has the beret from RE1 on. Might as well get some of the definite video game fanboyism out early. There's going to be a lot of it.
2. Yuffie Kisaragi from Final Fantasy 7. It's the short-shorts and spritely ninja girl thing. I can't help myself.
3. Kos-Mos from Xenosaga. Probably because I've been playing it a lot lately, but I'd still go for it. Sure, she's a robot, but what the hell, right?
4. Fuujin from Final Fantasy 8. Eyepatch, ragged white hair. I'd totally hit it, and yet the more I list polygonal female video game characters, the lamer I realize I am.
5. Yukino Miyazawa from Kareshi Kanojo no Jijyo. My total girly-manga crush character in a high school uniform.
6. Seras Victoria from Hellsing. Cute vampire girl in a skin-tight military uniform. If uniforms had miniskirts, which they do. Great hair and eyes.
7. Haruhara Haruko from FLCL. Batshit insane, but looks good in tight clothing and rides a Vespa. Also great hair and eyes. As long as it was just sex and not a relationship, I'd do it.
8. Kari Byron from Mythbusters. Okay, not really fictional, but the TV is as close as I'm ever going to get to her. A+ for chicks who make things explode on a regular basis.
9. Franka Potente as Lola from Run Lola Run. Crazy hair, and you know she'd do anything possible to help you out if you got in trouble. And her ass in those tight green pants is something you can watch over and over.
10. Rally Vincent from Gunsmith Cats. Guns and fast cars. I had to throw it back to geekery one last time, and if there's anyone more awesome than Rally, I'd like to meet them and have sex with them as well.

While it is normally required to tag 5 people, I don't think it's fair and I'm not sure I'd want to hear what some people say anyway. So replies optional.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Mon, 15 May 2006 05:25:35 GMT

I now propose a contest! Who can come up with the best description of Evil John? The prize......The fame of writing a description of Evil John. Also If you post this into your journal, with of course your name to replace mine, I will write about the Evil Version of you!

Molly Star Racer news

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 04:11:13 GMT

It had been so long, I thought the project might well have gone under. I knew that Sav! The World was working with someone else to produce the series, but I only just now learned who... and what has become of their creation. Oban Star-Racers

They completely managed to suck out everything that was cool from the original trailer and make it... desperately generic. The original was cel-shaded and fully 3D yet the characters were very alive and mobile, this is just average. For reference, the original trailer which is already FIVE years old. Original Molly Star Racer trailer
(It's a YouTube link, since it's the best I could find.)

Just flipping back and forth between the two, I can immediately see the difference in color values. The new trailer seems much more washed out, even in the brighter scenes it has. Fanboy doomsaying aside, I think it lost something in the transition, though not to say I won't still give it a shot. The new partner for Molly? Jetix Europe, a subsidiary of Disney.

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 02:01:20 GMT

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a 1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can't specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I'm Kilroy.
320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy"
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
335. When installing cyberware, can't install the Clapper as a built in feature.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter"
340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
347. If I'm not the decker, I can't do anything I saw in Tron once.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard's familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson's Last Stand.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist's sister.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
384. The titles "Viking" and "Obstretrician" are mutually exclusive.
385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like 'is' or 'the' and activate when you say them.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
392. I am forbidden to see when halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not "Do not talk about Finnegan school"
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian.
415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
429. If the character isn't deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150' with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
444. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with 'a little less lawful, a little more good'
446. Ninjas are not ablative.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.

For wackiness:

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 04:48:26 GMT

8-bit Katamari Damacy

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 13:53:52 GMT

The Johari Window ... where you say nice things about me.

The Nohari Window ... where you say things I might not want to hear, but ought to know anyway.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 05:14:53 GMT

Don't you hate it when it's almost time to go to bed, and you suddenly realize that you forgot to eat anything that day?

Or is it just me?

grumble grumble muhfugger

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 19:21:02 GMT

So... one burnt out power supply later, my computer lives again. Great time of the year for it, too. Had to run to CompUSA and shell out for an off-the-shelf one just to get things running again. It's not as nice as the fanless one I had before, but at least this one works.

I did have a backup, in the form of my old laptop, but unsurprisingly, THAT broke too. Some IP problem I couldn't troubleshoot online because my desktop would reboot every minute or two and the laptop apparently unable to see the internet. Having seen the things on the internet I have, I don't blame it for being reluctant. But I must fix it sometime before Christmas break so I can take it home and ignore the outside world as much as possible.

So... thanks for nothing, God. I am, however, slightly pleased that I was clever enough to diagnose a faulty power supply amongst any of the other billions of things that could go wrong with a computer. And in less than 24 hours after the problem started. Go me.

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 00:32:40 GMT

While speaking to your professor about your concerns for the final exam, it is a very good idea not to become violently ill and vomit in the trashcan in his office. While it definitely inspires sympathy for your plight, it is very bad manners.

Yes, I speak from experience.

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 01:10:32 GMT

I know about avoidance behavior. I spent the last 30 minutes transcribing my favorite skit from Blue Jam instead of studying like I ought to. But really, the monologues from Blue Jam make excellent short stories on their own.

Rothko woofed. He was sitting in the armchair again. Occasionally he looked at the telly. Mostly, he was looking at me looking at the telly.

Rothko didn't want me there. There at Imogen's house that I was supposed to be looking after. I looked at him now - a big Irish wolfhound, deep dark eyes. In one I could see Imogen telling me to take him for walks, but not to let him off the lead as he hadn't been squirrel trained, and in the other I saw me, saying, “Yes, and don't lose the keys like you did last time, you worthless little prick, god your mother hates you." My brother was over my shoulder for that bit.

I double-locked the front door, and looked at the keys. "What shall we do with these?" I said to Rothko. He looked quizzical. "Probably better to leave them safe in there, isn't it," I said, and posted them back through the door. "Now don't lose the dog."

I made a noose with the hand of the lead, and looped it round my neck. I had to stoop slightly, but I figured the knob of my head would stop us ever becoming separated. So we clattered to the park, Rothko galloping ahead, me stumbling behind like a bear running too fast down a hill.

Twenty yards into the park, Rothko glimpsed the duckpond and bolted. I landed in the shallows as Rothko closed his jaws on the nearest mallard. He shook his head violently so its quacks were broken like the honks of a goose in a cement mixer.

A little girl was crying, "Help the ducky." I dripped stupidly. The girl's dad grabbed the duck and slapped at the dog's nose whimpering "Stop it," and "This is appalling." He was clearly the sort of sensitive man that Rothko had no respect for.

They separated with a splash, and so did the duck.

The man stared dumbly at the legs in his hand, and suddenly everyone was screaming RSPCA at me. The lead snapped tight around my neck as Rothko dodged a blow, and the world became purple and banging. Through the rumble, I could hear my own strangled peanut of a voice screeching "No, no, please, it's the dog. And it's not mine, it's Imogen Edwards's!"

Rothko turned to me with curled lips. "Imogen's not going to be happy with you at all," he said.

Before I had time to gawp, he flew past me toward the park gate.

"Leg it, you fat fuck," he laughed. I followed in an anoxic blaze.

People were running after us. A bus was pulling off twenty yards from the gate. I overtook the dog and launched us into the Old Ladies Please section. He leapt onto the seat beside me.

"What the fuck is this!?" he said. "I only go in taxis! You can't expect me to look after your legal case in these conditions."

"Legal case?" I said.

He eyed me directly. "Just think about all the things that you've been doing wrong. Someone's got to defend them."

A tiny electric fugue of panic. I began to recall the time when I was seven, and a gerbil had started swearing at me. Amongst other things it had told me that my dad was having an affair. I had told my mum, and soon afterwards the family had split up.

"Are you the gerbil?" I said.

"Now you're losing it," he replied.

"Yes?" said the conductor. I had no money.

"Ask him if we can pay on account," said Rothko.

"Can we pay on account?" I said.

The conductor eyed me suspiciously. "Pay your fare now or get off."

"Tell him you'll only pay if he can prove you will definitely get to the next stop," suggested the dog. I did. The conductor looked at me as if his mother had just walked out of my nose.

"Tell him I'm a lawyer," the dog said. I knew I shouldn't, but I did that too.

At the next stop, we were shown the pavement.

I looked at Rothko. "Why are you talking?" I said. "Dogs don't talk."

"So why are you asking me?" he replied.

"Don't try to be clever," I said.

"No, I AM being clever."

"Well, that's ridiculous," I said, "because you're only a dog."

"Well, if I am 'only a dog,' then you should be able to answer my question easily."

I know about panic attacks. I know I have to find something very mundane and ordinary to do to talk myself down. "Have some tea," said the dog.

"I know that, I know that!" I said.

The café was full of people smoking and eating bacon and eggs. The dog sat down next to me. He turned to me and said, "I want a full English breakfast."

"Stop freaking me out," I muttered.

His lip curled with disdain. "Get me some fucking breakfast, picklepants."

Then a new voice. "Get that dog off my seat!" The café lady was angry.

"Tell that fat cow I sit in a seat every day of my life, and I'm not shifting now." said the dog.

"Are you going to get him off?" asked the woman, more angrily.

"I'm very sorry," I said. "He says he's my lawyer, but I'm still not sure. However, I don't want to risk throwing my lawyer onto the floor, bearing in mind the number of things I've done wrong."

She glowered. I felt a situation happening, but I didn't know where it was coming from. "Um, are you angry with me because he just called you a fat cow?" I said.

In the street, Rothko called me a hapless tit. He told me he had an empty stomach, and was now unlikely to get a single detail of my case correct. I said I didn't care, because since I'd known he was my lawyer, things had only got worse.

Our bickering turned to swearing as we leveled with a church gate. A family was getting out of a car. Rothko cheered up when he saw this. "That little girl has got a snotty hankie in her pocket," he said, and tugged me towards her.

Why couldn't I control anything?

The little girl squeaked with delight as Rothko stuck his nose in her pocket. Her mother patted him on the head and asked me how old he was. The dog said he was five. "He says he's five, but in fact he's seven," I said. The mother looked at me and decided I was joking.

Rothko rooted for the hankie, but the pocket was small. "Sorry about him," I said. "He's not a very good dog, but he's an even worse lawyer." The father smiled politely, and urged them towards the church.

"Leave them now," I said. The little girl turned back. Rothko made to follow.

"Look, if you don't stop this now, you're fired!" I shouted. The family were looking at me now. I knew it was bad for people to see me threatening to sack a dog, so I repeated myself, but this time in dog language. The father shook his head sadly, and whisked his family inside.

It was a christening. The tissue girl and her parents had joined the others round the font. A priest was holding a baby over the water, and the baby was shrieking like ripping metal.

"I can do that," said Rothko, and began to howl idiotically.

"Sh!" I said, and tried to hide it with a cough.

"Is there a problem back there?" asked the priest.

A fat drumming now, in my skull cheeks. "You're ruining this christening," I said.

"It's not me, it's you," said the dog.

"What?"

"Well, I only came in here so you could seek forgiveness from God."

"What for?"

"For what you are about to do," said the dog, and looked me straight in the eye.

I felt sick as diesel.

"Is something wrong?" said the priest.

"Say there is," said the dog.

"There is," I mumbled.

All eyes turned to me. "What?"

Hot iron in my nose. "Look at the baby," said the dog.

I looked at the baby. Its head swiveled towards me. Then it screamed. "Tell them my mother is a whore, and the priest fiddles with children!"

"Oh, now look what you've done," I said to the dog.

"I've seen his notes," said the dog. "It's true; you must tell them."

"What's the problem?" said the priest.

Ball lightning in my stomach. The baby still staring at me. "Go on."

"You rummage the kids' pants, and she receives the cocks of paying men!" The priest's mouth fell open. The baby said, "Sucker." Its father started towards me.

"The baby told me!" I stammered.

Rothko lurched towards the little girl, who was waving her tissue. The baby's father grabbed me by the neck. The dog leapt. The girl's mother plucked her from the floor, and the dog clattered into the priest,
knocking the baby from his hands. The baby's mother screamed. The father released my neck and spun towards his wife.

I looked at the dog. "Ha ha. You're doing all this!" he laughed, and grabbed the tissue from the girl's hand.

The baby was still in the air. I looked at the dog again. "What the fuck do I do now!?"

"Don't ask me, I'm only a dog!" said the dog, and pelted down the nave, through the porch, down the path, and straight into the road, where he slapped straight into a van, staggered around, and fell over.

Manic birdsong.

I dropped to my knees in the road. Blood oozed from his mouth. "I can't defend you now, you know," he said.

Sparrows singing the Dies Iræ.

"Could you recommend someone?" I asked.

"Try the baby."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes," he said, and smiled. Then he went quite quiet and still.

I managed to crawl back to Imogen's house. The baby had not been much use, but its father had given some advice to the soft tissues in my face and groin. I lay outside her front door, and wondered what to do. "The best thing would be to write a note," I said to myself. "I'll write a note, and explain everything."

My note said: Thanks for Imogen. Sorry about the dog. The duck was in bits. The thing was talking as well but told me not to say, but I followed it. The cars did it. The keys are in the wrong half. I went away, it's all right please.

I know that's what I wrote because I just found the note in my pocket. Here's another. This one's to me. It's from the dead dog. It's a very angry note. Here's one from the dog's mother, now. She's even crosser.

I don't go to the park now. The ducks tell everyone things about me. They tell everyone I thought a dog could talk. "Shut up," I said when they did, but they didn't, and I hate them now. The ducks.

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 05:34:20 GMT

Discovered the most awesome band, Go! Go! 7188. It's like Primus but with cute Japanese girls instead of Les Claypool.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 03:25:12 GMT

So this coming weekend, plans for hanging with Jay, seem to be about as much fun-time as I'll get in November. It's the end of the semester crunch, naturally. I need to give Brian back his book because I probably won't be doing Mordheim till after finals.

I'm determined to work better now. Work harder.